"We never thought for a moment that instead of a crib, we'd need a casket. Instead of reading books on parenting, we'd be reading prayers and sympathy cards."

One parent expresses the feelings of loss:

"It was hard to say goodbye before I had a chance to say hello."

When birth and death go hand in hand, the loss is tragic. In our society, people express the loss as a temporary setback with well-meaning but thoughtless messages:

"You'll get over it ... it's all for the best ... try to put it behind you."

Impact on the family

At first, parents feel shock. Then feelings of anger, loneliness, emptiness, guilt and fear start to surface. Each reaction is individual. A sense of isolation is common and parents may have little energy for their family. Remaining children, the sometimes forgotten mourners, find themselves alone in their sorrow. Grandparents, often called on for support, suffer grief over losing a grandchild and watching their own child's pain. At times, other family issues such as financial concerns or marital problems complicate grief.

How the family might cope

With time, family members learn to live with this loss and go on with their lives. Other bereaved parents suggest:

• Talk openly to each other about how you feel.
• Share your loss with a supportive individual or group.
• Read about bereavement.
• Minimize stressful situations whenever possible.
• Take one day at a time.

What is an Infant Loss Program?

Bereaved Families of Ontario (BFO), a self-help, mutual-aid organization staffed by volunteer bereaved parents, offers an infant loss program for parents who have experienced a miscarriage, a therapeutic abortion, stillbirth or newborn death.

BFO provides caring support to help families cope with the painful reality of their loss. Small group discussions are led by trained parents who have, themselves, experienced an infant death. For eight to ten weeks, these groups of approximately six to eight parents meet each week for two hours. The groups are supervised by professionals expert in the nature and dynamics of grief.

Why join the group?

Joining a group is a way of honouring your child's memory. It's a place to express freely your feelings of loss and receive support and encouragement to go on with living. Group members understand that by talking you are helping yourself and others who are in pain.

Some issues the group discusses:

• Uniqueness of infant loss in our society.
• Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, fear and isolation.
• Ways of finding meaning in relationships with partners, children, families and friends.
• Future life choices.

• Mothers and/or fathers whose loss is recent.
• Mothers and/or fathers whose baby died a number of years ago.
• Bereaved mothers who are coping with a subsequent pregnancy.

The group will complement any professional support you may be receiving.

What additional support does Bereaved Families offer?

BFO offers programs for:

• Parents who have lost an older child.
• Children or youth who have lost a parent, brother or sister.
• Young adults who have lost a parent, brother or sister.

Support is also available through monthly family night meetings, a monthly newsletter and individual contact by phone or in person.

BFO also offers access to an extensive library, a professional referral system and a public education program.

Recommended readings:

ADKINS, Michael C. -- Orknon was my friend. Image Publishing, 1984. The story of a little boy whose dearest friend has died. 4-8 years.

BLACKBURN, Lynn Bennett. -- I Know I Made It Happen -- A Gentle Book About Feeling Guilty. Centering Corporation, 1991, 12pp.

DAVIS, Deborah, Ph.D. -- Empty Cradle Broken Heart -- Surviving the Death of Your Baby. Fulcrum Publishing, 1991, 231pp.

HICKMAN, Gryte Marilyn -- No New Baby. Centering Corporation, 1988, 23pp.

ILSE, Sherokee -- Empty Arms -- Coping With Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death. Wintergreen Press, 1982, 82pp.

LEON, Irving -- When A Baby Dies - Psychotherapy for Pregnancy and Newborn Loss. Yale University Press, 1990, 230pp.

LIMBO, Rana K. and Wheeler, Sara Rich -- When A Baby Dies - A Handbook For Healing and Helping. LaCrosse Lutheran Hospital, 1987, 150pp.

MALCOLM, Nancy E. and Wooten, Bonnie -- A Beginning. Women's College Hospital, 1984, 28pp.

Members of the Perinatal Program -- Silent Grief -- A Booklet for Parents Experiencing Early Pregnancy Loss. Women's College Hospital, 1991, 23pp.

MOFFITT, Perry-Lynn and Kohn, Ingrid -- A Silent Sorrow -- Pregnancy Loss: Guidance and Support for You and Your Family. Delta Doubleday, 1992, 438pp.

SCHWEIBERT, Pat and Kirk, Paul -- Still To Be Born -- A Guide For Bereaved Parents Who Are Making Decisions About Their Future. Perinatal Loss, 1986, 112pp.