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by Michael Healy, Young Adult
Facilitator and Board Member
Every fall we see numerous changes
unfolding around us. With the end of summer comes
the return to school for many and as Thanksgiving
rolls around we see fall colours everywhere. This
was a time of year my mother always loved. It
is difficult to believe that the biggest change
in my life, her death from cancer, happened more
than seven years ago. For those of us that have
lost a loved one the changes in our lives from
this person’s death seem, at times, almost
impossible to adjust too. Unfortunately, in my
case, I had to adjust to such changes both as
a teenager and young adult.
When I was 14 my father died
suddenly. It was my first year of high school
and I was doing well at my new school with my
new friends. Then everything came crashing down
around me. Suddenly I was a teenaged boy who didn’t
have a dad. I remember the shock at learning of
my father’s death and all that accompanied
that stark reality. I can still feel what it was
like to have to return to school and face all
the students and teachers.
I felt like I had an “X”
on my forehead that said this kid is different.
I didn’t know any one else who had lost
a parent at my age. Most people said nothing having
obviously forgotten why I was even away. However,
I’ll always appreciate those kids and some
teachers who just simply said, “Sorry to
hear about your dad”. That was all I really
needed to hear, that someone remembered and acknowledged
the changes I was going through. I didn’t
want any special attention. At that age a kid
just wants to be like everyone else, not to be
singled out.
My mother had a great deal of
difficulty dealing with her own grief. However
she was very focused on trying to find professionals
to talk to, groups to attend and seeking out anyone
who would listen to her. After awhile though,
I just wanted to try and get through it all and
lead a normal life. I almost resented my mother’s
attempts to try and get me to talk to someone
about my loss. As a fourteen year old I had no
desire to share my feelings with anyone else.
Perhaps it was because I felt nobody else would
really get it.
Obviously a great deal changes
in the life of an individual from their mid teens
until their late twenties. I felt as though there
was always something missing in my life because
my father wasn’t around but my mother and
other family members did more than their share
to make sure I was loved and supported at every
step of my life. Then, I almost resented my mother’s
attempts to try and get me to talk to someone
about my loss. As a fourteen year old I had no
desire to share my feelings with anyone else.
Perhaps it was because I felt nobody else would
really get it.
Suddenly, it felt like I was hit in the head again
when my mother was told she was dying, with less
than a year to live. It was almost unbelievable
to me. How could someone who had meant so much
and seemed so healthy suddenly be dying? How could
this happen to me again?
I had anticipated that since I had been bereaved
as a teenager I would know how to handle my feelings
this time. After all I’d already had time
to practice the whole experience once before!
Unfortunately being bereaved doesn’t quite
work that way. When my mother died I felt as if
I was thrown back into my grief much worse than
before. Whether or not this was because she was
my remaining parent, I was closer to my mother
or because of how we had to watch her suffer,
I’m not sure. All I know is that this time
the changes I was experiencing seemed much worse.
Again I felt odd and out of place. Nobody I knew
had lost both their parents at my age. It was
odd to think that even though I was not a child
I was technically an orphan. This time I knew
my grief was not something I could handle on my
own. Although my father had died 15 years before
I felt that I was living my mother’s death
and reliving my father’s death.
Luckily I found Bereaved Families of Ontario where
I met other people my own age who had surprisingly
similar experiences. It is still rare to find
somebody who has lost both parents at a young
age but, I was able to find a group where I could
share my experiences about my loss and feel a
little more “normal”. I wasn’t
the only one who was going through this experience.
As a facilitator I experience not only the sadness
but also the hope that develops as I see young
adults progress through our groups. As any volunteer
with BFO knows, every time you come in contact
with a newly bereaved person your own pain always
resurfaces at some level but, it is also rewarding
knowing that you may be able to help the person
sitting across from you to heal, even if only
in a small way. I also know that by working at
BFO I’m able to maintain my connection with
both my parents and turn the most difficult changes
in my life into something positive and
helpful to others living through difficult experiences.
In her newly published work,The
Mourner ’s Dance ,Katherine Ashenburg traces
the historical and anthropological significance
of ancient and modern grieving rituals,and examines
the elemental beliefs, psycho-logical wisdom, and
intuition that underscore these embedded and time-honored
traditions and practices.
Spanning across centuries and cultures,
Ashenburg ’s work explores the nuance and
essence of ceremony and ritual, extracting the purpose
and meaning of “taken-for-granted ”practices,
and shining new light upon their relevance (or lack
thereof )in a modern age that has all but dispensed
with public displays, or testimonials, of grief.
Prompted by the sudden death of
her daughter ’s fiancé, and inspired
by her daughter ’s novel and informal approach
to grieving, Ashenburg has written an intelligent
account that transports the reader through time
and place, and that provides a captivating investigation
of cultural, ethnic, and religious mourning practices.
While these varied customs speak to cultural diversity
and individual difference, and depart greatly one
from the other in terms of their underpinning
belief systems, a constant throughout is the near
universal awareness of the restorative power of
ritual. Ingrained within ritual lies the promise,
the possibility, or capacity to console, support
and comfort as mourners actively and creatively
mark the passing or absence of loved ones, acknowledge
their presence, and pay tribute to their legacy.
As we approach the Holiday Season,
a time steeped with tradition -and trepidation for
the newly bereaved -we might pause to reflect upon,
reassess, or reconsider both the formal and informal
customs and rituals we engage in. In so doing, we
can anticipate any changes and accommodations that
may need to be made, and explore opportunities for
creating and integrating new and meaningful ways
to mourn a death while celebrating a life.
LESLIE IANCOVITZ MSW Practicum Student – BFO Toronto
Looking back - looking forward
by Janet Wilson, Executive Director
When I first arrived at BFO-Toronto, Elaine
Gort, a Board member and Chair of the Professional
Advisory Committee (PAC), stated “This year
is a year of stabilization”. I agreed. BFO-Toronto
has been through such upheava in the past couple
of years, that it now needs to catch its breath.
As I learn more about the organization, it becomes
apparent, however, that stabilization has to be
balanced with maximizing opportunities for the future
growth of BFO-Toronto.
One window of opportunity was
provided to BFO-Toronto, when we received funding
from the Ontario Trillium Foundation. This money
provides the resources necessary to evaluate our
programs and look at how BFO can be more accessible
to more bereaved people.With the objective to facilitate
organizational stability, the following Board, staff
and volunteer based activities (grouped under three
headings) have been initiated, developed and implemented.
GOVERNANCE AND BOARD DEVELOPMENT
Governance policies and procedures
have been adopted, that clarify the roles and responsibilities
of Board members; there have been changes to BFO-Toronto’s
By-Law, which include the clarification of BFO membership
and terms of office for Board members; and there
is a well-defined process for evaluating the Executive
Director.
FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY
In order to safeguard BFO-Toronto’s
funds and be more fiscally accountable to our stakeholders
we have implemented internal financial controls
and we have begun to develop a fundraising strategy
and long term financial plan.
PROGRAM DEVELOPMENT
New forms have been created and
old ones revised, including evaluation forms, a
Volunteer Introduction Package and interview guidelines.
The Volunteer Facilitator and Advisor Training was
reviewed and some of the con-tent revised, and a
Children’s Program training was developed
and delivered. The Resource binder is being updated.
Five On-Call Clinical Consultants, coming from different
backgrounds, cultures and areas of expertise were
hired to provide, support to staff and volunteer
facilitators and advisors.To stimulate BFO-Toronto’s
organizational growth and development we have focused
on the following areas – increasing accessibility
to BFO’s programs, outreach to diverse communities
and developing our information technology. Some
accomplishments include:
• The formation of a
Multicultural Anti-Oppression Committee (MAOC) which
presently has a membership of 14 people, coming
from different perspectives and cultures. The objectives
of this committee include the planning of diversity
training for all areas of the organization and the
formulation of a multicultural/anti-oppression action
plan
• The hiring of consultants to conduct a program
evaluation and environmental scan. Their final report
will be ready in December, 2002. SPAC (Strategic
Planning Advisory Committee), with 20 Board, staff
and volunteer members was established to work with
the consultants.
• The creation of a new
BFO-Toronto web-site, with up-to-date information
and a memorial section. This was made possible as
a result of the volunteer work of Rick Martin, his
colleague Kathleen Roy and Francis Tsao. Aaron Albert
developed our fundraising page
• A new database has been implemented. There
are plans to input and code all relevant information
in order to assist the bereavement, volunteer and
fundraising programs
By December 2002, we will have
in place, the final report from the Environmental
Scan, a draft Multicultural/Anti-Oppression Action
Plan and a long term Financial Plan. In these respects,
we will be ready to face the challenges of 2003.
Our future directions, driven by
these plans and strategies, will build upon the
solid foundation of our existing programs. We know
our programs are and have been life-lines to many
bereaved people. From the evaluation of our programs
and services we heard comments such as “BFO
saved my life”, “I found understanding
from people who had been there”, “I
was not alone”, “I found a place to
belong” and “BFO helped back me on my
life journey”. Over the past 25 years BFO-Toronto,
has provided hundreds of bereaved individuals, with
this kind of support.
In 2003, based on the results of
the environmental scan, BFO-Toronto’s Connections
Projects – Phase II, will be launched. Remembering
that ‘every bereaved person has their own
unique way of grieving’, we will begin our
outreach to Toronto’s diverse, bereaved communities.
Valuing diversity and an individuals’ unique
way of grieving are two essential components of
service provision to bereaved people from different
cultures, races, ethnicities, ages, classes, sexual
orientations, faiths and abilities.
We have collaborated and worked
with the Jewish, Chinese, Portuguese, Italian and
Latin American communities, in the past. Now we
are initiating dialogues with the Caribbean community
and youth, especially those coming from diverse
backgrounds. We want to know if and how, we can
better support these communities in their grief.
Before we reach out to the greater
community, we need to be clear about what we, the
BFO-Toronto community, truly hold dear –what
are our shared values.
On Saturday, February 8th, 2003
we are holding a Community Building Day (in the
past it has been known as the Leadership Update
Day or Day of renewal).We invite all BFO-Toronto
members to come to the Community Building Day to
discuss and formalize our organizational values.
We will ask ourselves the questions:
• What values guide and inform the Board,
staff, volunteers and members?
• On what values, are our programs, policies,
practices and structures based?
Please RSVP to the office by Friday January 10th.
Next year we will celebrate BFO's
25th Anniversary! A reunion is planned for May 1,2003,where
past and present BFO members will reunite and remember,
in the company of friends. Let's celebrate the spirit
of mutual support that has been part of BFO for
25 years. Let's move forward into the next 25 years
with hope, peace and love in our hearts.
We all have our unique
ways of grieving and of expressing ourselves
about our loved
one who has died. For me, a comforting
outlet for expression has been creating
the memorials
and message board sections of the BFO
Toronto website.
My son Nicholas died in July 2001 after
a great 1st year in the computer science
program at U of T, so it's kind of fitting
that I use a computer to honour him
and talk about him.
Nick has a Memorial
page in our website (bfotoronto.ca).
Like other grieving parents, I want
his story to be told - I want others
to know who this courageous boy was,
and I want his spirit kept alive. Having
him "out there" on the internet helps
to accomplish this for me and gives
me comfort. As well, people in my extended
family can look at this memorial whenever
they want. I know it's not for everyone,
but if you would like a memorial placed
on the internet, I'll be glad to do
that for you. Please visit our "Submit
a Memorial" page to find out how.
I like referring to
the bfotoronto website as "our"
website, because that's what it is -
an information and interactive forum
for our community of bereaved families.
One section you might
like to use is the Message Board. It’s
there for you to express yourself on
any topic related to your grieving.
You can post a new topic or reply to
one that is already there. Just click
on an existing topic to reply to it,
or on "Add New Topic" to post
something new.
I’d like to take
this opportunity to thank the other
members of our web design team - Kathleen
Roy and Francis Tsao - for their many
hours of volunteer work in putting together
our website. My own involvement has
been very therapeutic as I grieve the
loss of dear Nicholas -
thank you BFO Toronto for this
opportunity. I hope many bereaved families
will make use of bfotoronto.ca.
A child is created
Excitement changes to fear with the
news
Best wishes to prayers turn
Worry and doubt
Sadness and fear
Unanswerable questions abound
A family draws close
A child is born
In his brief life he is cherished
Held close, both honoured and loved
Sadness and grief
Wonder and loss
Perfect now in God ’s sight
A family draws closer
A child is laid to rest
Impossibly small box, carried so gently
A mother ’s body aches with the
Physicality of loss
Relief and regret
Sorrow and pain
The struggle for the words to comfort
each other
A family goes on
Columbus Centre, Lawrence
and Dufferin
Come and join us for an evening of celebrating
BFO’s
25th Anniversary. It is a time to toast survival,
to renew
old friendships, and to form new ones.
DINNER:
Salad, Veal and Chicken, Roast Potatoes,
Vegetable Medley, Rolls
(Vegetarian meal available on request)
Tartufo, Coffee and Tea
2 bottles of wine per table included
Ticket orders now being taken.
Phone 416-440-0290
Tickets can be ordered individually or by
groups. All
tables will be reserved with place cards,
so if you wish to
be with your friends/former group members
contact each
other and phone in the order with all information,
and
credit card number. Or reserve by phone and
mail your
cheque. Limited to 300 people, so act now.
BFO office is closed from Tuesday, December
24, 2002 at noon, open again on Monday, December
30, 2002,closed Tuesday, December 31 at noon
and closed Wednesday, January 1, 2003.
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 8
7:00pm – 9:00pm
Young Adult Drop-in
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 15
7:00pm – 9:00pm
Family Support Night
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 22
7:00pm – 9:00pm
Infant Loss Drop-in
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 5
7:00pm – 9:00pm
Young Adult Drop-in
WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 8
BFO-Toronto Community Building Day
WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 12
7:00pm – 9:00pm
Family Support Night
WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 19
7:00pm – 9:00pm
Infant Loss Drop-in
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
Laura Larsen (llarsen@bfotoronto.ca).
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication
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