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Remembering – it’s
a tricky thing. When our loved one dies, we are
encouraged to “remember the good times”
and to “think about the happy memories”.
But long before we are able to get to the place
of feeling joy as we recall our beloved, we must
sometimes give ourselves permission to feel the
anger that is a natural part of grief. Before
we can imagine them in a better place, we must
sometimes rage against the unfairness and injustice
that they were taken from us in the first place.
The following is an excerpt from
the book, “The Gentle Closings Companion”
by Ted Menten, (now available in the BFO-Toronto
library) which illustrates this idea beautifully:
Rachel had been a widow for less
than a year when she joined one of my Harmony
Project widow’s groups. One evening as we
began to talk of honouring and remembering, Rachel
suddenly vented her rage. “Stop it! Stop
it!” she screamed. “Stop talking about
remembering. I hate that!”
“What is the matter with
all of you? Are you all crazy? How can you talk
about remembering? Where the hell is your pain?”
Clenching and unclenching her fists in anger and
frustration, she cried out, “Don’t
you get it? I don’t want memories –
I want my husband!” She was right of course.
No one wants a memory. A memory is a poor substitute
for the real thing.
After receiving affirmation and
thanks from the other group members for daring
to say what so many of them had been feeling,
the story goes on to talk about how one member
reached out her hand to Rachel and said:
“Not one of us wants to
settle for anything less than the real thing,
but the truth is this: your beloved husband is
dead. The real thing is gone. Margarine isn’t
the real thing. Butter is. But if there is no
butter, if the butter is gone, then you must make
do with the next best thing.
I don’t want my life to
be dry toast. I want it covered in rich golden
butter. But my butter is gone, and all I have
left is the memory of its richness, its pure golden
colour and its sweet taste. The margarine of memory
can never, ever, replace or even approximate the
real thing. But Rachel, it is better than a life
of dry toast!”
We know all too well that the
memories of our loved ones can feel like a painfully
poor substitute for their physical presence in
our lives. But we also know that after a time,
and a lot of hard work, we can come to recall
their smile, their laughter, the particular way
they did this or that, all the unique qualities
that made them who they are – and we can
be comforted by those recollections.
At BFO-Toronto, there is room
for all of your grief. Your pain and sorrow, your
anger and frustration and also, the warmth and
solace that comes from remembering. At our annual
Walk to Remember in May and Tree of Light event
in December, we gather together as a community
of people who mourn, but who also remember. New
at the Walk this year was the opportunity to have
your loved ones’ name added to the Memory
Tree Quilt. It now hangs in the office for all
to view – sometimes with sadness and even
in some moments with joy. Come by to take a look
at it or call the office to find out how you can
have your loved ones’ name added at next
year’s Walk.
You can also remember your family
member by creating an online memorial at www.bfotoronto.ca.
Click on “submit a memorial” to find
out more information. Like all of our services,
it is free of charge.
This month, we take time to mourn
and to remember the gift of Irene Clarfield, one
of BFO’s founding mothers. All who knew
Irene are deeply saddened by her death, but we
hope that the legacy she has created through Bereaved
Families of Ontario will bring comfort to her
family and friends. Her dear friend and BFO co-founder,
Marilyn Lee writes about Irene on page X of this
newsletter.
The summer provides many opportunities
for reflection and remembrance, as the pace of
our lives tends to slow down. Some choose to plant
a flower or tree in memory of their loved one,
for others, a walk by the lake on a warm sunny
morning provides just the right atmosphere for
reminiscences. On a hot and humid day, you may
choose to come up to the cool, air-conditioned
offices of Bereaved Families and spend some time
in the Library or light the memorial candle. However
you choose to remember, however painful or joyful
that may be, know that we are here for you.
We are pleased to let you know
that we are able to offer another Beginner Yoga
program for bereaved adults, beginning in September.
No previous Yoga experience is needed –
but students of all levels are welcome.
WHAT: 4-session
beginners Yoga class
WHEN: Saturdays, 10:30am
to 11:45am
September 11th to October 2nd
WHERE: BFO-Toronto
28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina), Toronto, ON M5R 2S1
TEACHER:
Heather Barnes has been a student of yoga for
over twenty years. Over the past three years her
practice has deepened and become an integral part
of her life. In February 2004 she received her
certification as a yoga teacher upon completion
of an intensive training programme in California.
She teaches Hatha yoga, a form of yoga that not
only helps to increase strength and flexibility
but also, by focusing on the breath, can promote
relaxation and an awakening of energy.
Heather is also a bereaved parent. Her son Joshua
died in December 1991. It is her experience with
the healing aspects of yoga in her own life, which
has inspired her to share this experience with
others.
There is no cost for the classes, yoga mats will
be provided, but we ask you that you bring your
own small blanket or towel.
In the last edition of Journeys, we let you
know about the sad news of the death of Irene Clarfield
on May 1st, 2004. Along with Margaret Darte, Diane
Foster and Marilyn Lee, Irene was intimately and
passionately involved in the organization –
developing programs, sitting on the Board of Directors,
fundraising and public awareness – and supporting
other bereaved parents and families. Below, friend
and co-founder Marilyn Lee remembers Irene:
Irene, a beloved wife, mother, grandmother and
friend. Irene came into our lives with a broken
heart after the death of her son Steven. In spite
of her grief, Irene became an inspiration to the
Bereaved Families of Ontario as one of the founding
Mothers.
Irene was a beautiful, articulate and loving person.
To Margaret, Diane and me Irene was part of a foursome
that became family.
We shared grief, tears, joy and laughter. Irene,
we love you and miss you. Our lives are empty without
you but we feel blessed to have been your friend.
We are all better people for having known you.
Marilyn Lee
BFO-Toronto’s Founders: Marilyn
Lee, Margaret Darte, Diane Foster and Irene Clarfield
During the dog days of summer,
we’d like to gently suggest that you
take a few moments to look around your home
and collect any unreturned BFO-Toronto library
books. We primarily rely on the generosity
of members and volunteers who donate books
to the collection, and there is no budget
available to replace missing titles.
Recent additions to the library
collection include bestsellers “The
Lovely Bones” by Alice Sebold,
“The Five People You Meet in Heaven”
by Mitch Albom, “The Mourner’s
Dance” by Katherine Ashenburg and
“The Way to Freedom, Core Teachings
of Tibetan Buddhism” by The Dalai
Lama.
If you have heard about or
read a good book recently that has helped
you in your grief process, please call or
email Betty Ann (barutledge@bfotoronto.ca
or 416-440-0290 ext. 11) and let her know
the title and author. We have a small amount
of money available to purchase a few new books
this summer and we’d like to know what
you would recommend or appreciate in the Library.
Grace picked up the square box. No. She
didn’t want it to be square. The round
one, yes, round. Weren’t circles associated
with life? The lid was a tight fit. That was
good. She ran her fingers across the convex
maple burl inlay on the lid. It felt perfectly
smooth. She cupped her hand around the base.
The size seemed right. His head and body had
just fit the length of her hand. She touched
the coloured wood banding around the hollowed
mahogany, smooth like his skin.
Grace stood on the widow’s walk of
her century house, watching the sun set down
on the bay as she did every evening after
supper. Her eyes closed and she smiled as
her arms encircled her large belly, her hands
supporting the weight she felt on her pubic
bone. The first three hadn’t made it
to the second trimester but this one, well
this one was different. He had made it to
the third trimester. A boy. His room on the
second floor was ready and waiting for him,
all blue and white with fluffy blankets and
soft teddies. The wooden alphabet blocks on
the dresser spelled out his name: Luke.
Grace took one last look at the fiery ball
disappearing quickly now behind the ocean.
She retreated back into the living room and
snuggled into the chintz settee. Covering
her legs with the antique quilt that had been
passed down to her from her grandmother.
She clicked the TV on with her guilty pleasure:
The Naked Chef on the Food channel. The British
chef looked more like a rock star as he bounced
around his kitchen, the camera bouncing along
with him. He was splashing extra virgin olive
oil over red and yellow roasted peppers and
basil leaves. Then, quickly, he was reaching
for the pepper mill, grinding it, grimacing
as though it was very hard work and uttering
words like “pukka tukka”. She
had to close her eyes. The camera angles made
her dizzy. It was then that she felt a rapid
fluttering in her womb. She held her breath,
sat perfectly still until it stopped seconds
later. She breezed out a slow breath through
pursed lips and saw the room around her spin
in slow motion.
Grace felt a tightness in her throat while
she waited for Luke to make a move. She lumbered
up off the settee and made her way into the
kitchen, boiling the kettle for chamomile
tea and sat at the pine harvest table with
her hands wrapped around the steaming mug.
When she’d drunk the last warm drop,
she felt complete stillness from her insides.
She wandered around the house, creaking the
wood floors and peering out the windows at
the dark ocean brightly lit by the full moon.
She crossed the threshold onto the cold tile
floor of the bathroom and poured a warm bath.
It was becoming very difficult to climb into
the old-fashioned claw foot tub so she used
a chair to hold onto, for safety. While she
soaked in the hot water, she poked at her
hard round belly that was sticking out. She
searched for a hand or a foot to hold onto.
“C’mon Lukie, give mama a sign.”
Grace dried herself off and climbed into bed,
nude. She stroked her belly with fingertip
feathers in circles until she fell asleep.
In the morning, she felt only nausea and tasted
metal in her mouth. She drove herself to the
midwife’s house.
“I’m sorry Grace,” the midwife
said, “but I don’t hear a heartbeat.”
That was one week ago. Now she was driving
up to the mountain. She’d heard from
the people in the village that there was a
woodworker who made beautiful boxes from the
trees he found on his land. Take the dirt
road up from the end of the highway, they
said. You’ll find him at the very top
of the mountain, overlooking the Northumberland
Strait. On a clear day, they said, you could
see P.E.I. from there.
She drove into the yard. To her left, full
heads of lettuce lined up in rows, plump red
tomatoes hung from supported stalks, a sea
of squash vines. In the field next to the
garden, the pinks and blues of lupins greeted
her. She parked the car, walked up the hill
to the house, smelling mint under her footsteps.
They were right; she could see the red clay
island in the strait.
The woodworker came out to greet her, dusting
himself off sending speckles into the sunlight.
. He was about fifty years old and had a ponytail
of grey hair. From under a heavy brow, his
piercing blue eyes made contact with Grace’s.
He held his hand out,
“Lovely day for a drive up the mountain.”
“Indeed.”
He led Grace into his workshop, stirring
the wood shavings on the floor as he walked.
He dug his hands deep into his worn jeans
and leaned against the workbench watching
her as she perused through the shelves.
“Are you looking for something in
particular?”
“Yes. Something very particular.”
She picked up each box, checking the lids,
feeling the texture. Would the lid be tight
enough? Was the box big enough? Grace blinked
away the tears and swallowed to pop the pressure
in her head. She turned to the craftsman,
“I need an urn…it’s for
my baby’s ashes.”
In keeping with our intent to build
a consistent public image and awareness of BFO-Toronto’s
programs and services and to outreach to marginalized
communities, we have several projects ‘on
the go’.
A new BFO-Toronto brochure is presently
being designed and if all goes as planned, will
be available for our Annual General Meeting. Plans
are also underway to develop and design a semi-annual,
public relations newsletter to inform social service
organizations, schools, funeral directors and health
providers, of the services and programs that Bereaved
Families offers. An educational, training video
on adolescent grief will have its first viewing
at the AGM on June 24th, 2004.
At the beginning of June a group
of interested Board, staff and volunteers met to
discuss strategies for outreach to bereaved youth
and the bereaved Caribbean communities. Betsy Kappel
and Zubeida Ramji, whom you may remember were the
consultants hired to conduct the environmental scan
and program evaluation in 2002, which began the
Connections Project, facilitated this meeting. It
was an exciting and energizing discussion as we
pushed our minds to think ‘out of the box’.
Another meeting is planned for September.
The day of our Walk to Remember,
held at our Healing Garden at Yonge and Chatsworth,
was glorious. The sun shone as we walked in the
gardens remembering our loved ones who had died.
Members chose their appliqué - a frog, a
bird, a flower or a heart that they wished to attach
to the Memory Tree Quilt, in memory of their family
member; pizza, delicious cookies (provided by Bill
Fitzpatrick) and lemonade were enjoyed by all and
each child in attendance, received a special prize.
The committee members, Azure Campbell, Adrian McNeely,
Sara Doyle, Chris Walsh, Wendy Bray and Karen Beaulieu
had worked hard to make this a very special time
for everyone. We had hoped that more members would
attend this event, but perhaps the first good weather
of the summer drew people to other activities.
As we strive to provide the kind
of events that bring our community together, to
support each other in difficult times, to remember
those who have died, and to raise money to continue
the programs from which we have all benefited, we
would appreciate your thoughts about the Walk –
its future and its relevance to you, the members.
We are hoping to hold a meeting sometime during
the summer to discuss this event further - perhaps
you’d like to attend, or please take a moment
to write, phone or email your suggestions, they
would be most welcome.
Janet Wilson
Executive Director
Wendy Bray, volunteer and quilt-creator
& Karen Beaulieu, BFO-Toronto’s Fund Developer
with the Memory Tree Quilt.
Our Walk to Remember Event
was held on May 30th, 2004. We were fortunate
to have a beautiful sunny day as we started
and ended the Walk at the Healing Garden.
I am pleased to announce our
top three winners:
1st place winner
is Kelly Broadhurst who raised $1205.00.
2nd pace winner is Kathleen McDermott who
raised $1160.00
3rd place winner is Elaine Gort who raised
$945.00.
Elaine Gort declined her prize,
which will now go to 4th place winner David
Simmons who raised $644.00
Congratulations to all our winners.
We would like to thank once
again all of our walkers, participants, donors
and volunteers who have worked so tirelessly
in organizing and ensuring its success.
We would like to wish all
the best to Bruce & Betty Catchpole
who recently moved to Winnipeg. Bruce and
Betty came to Bereaved Families following
the death of their 30 year-old daughter
Barbara in 1994. After taking part in the
facilitator-training program, they became
active volunteers meeting newly bereaved
parents for one-to-one meetings, facilitating
groups, staffing the front desk and answering
the phones, working in the library, doing
public speaking and helping with the Tree
of Light. We thank them for their generosity,
wisdom, caring, sense of humour and spirit
and wish them much joy in this next chapter
of their lives with their grandchildren
and family.
Long-time volunteers Elizabeth
Sulker and Kay Pember have recently retired
from “active duty”. For an amazing
20 and 13 years respectively, Elizabeth
and Kay have volunteered their time and
energy every Tuesday doing our receipting.
They could also be seen at all of our events
– The Walk to Remember, The Big Night
Out Auction and The Tree of Light –
helping with registration and finance.
Audrey Watson, a 20+ year
volunteer with BFO has also decided to “retire”
from her weekly shifts at the reception
desk. Over the years Audrey has volunteered
as a facilitator and advisor of bereaved
parent groups, doing outreach and public
education, assisting with just about every
fundraiser and special event in our history
and much more. We look forward to Audrey’s
continued involvement in other areas of
BFO-Toronto.
Audrey, Kay and Elizabeth
are all well deserved recipients of the
very special “Noah Thorek Award”
for volunteer service to BFO. We extend
our sincere appreciation and warm regards
to all of them for everything they have
brought to BFO over the years.
Our Fall series of Mutual Support Groups
will begin the third week in September. If
you, or someone you know is interested in
participating, please call the office at 416-440-0290
or check the website www.bfotoronto.ca for
dates.
Monthly Bereavement Support Nights
Open to any adult, whether or not you have
been through a BFO-Toronto group. An informal
panel of volunteers who have experienced the
death of an expected baby, a child, a sibling
or a parent will speak about their experiences.
You will have a chance to ask questions or
share, as you are able. Space is limited,
so we ask that you RSVP by calling the office.
Wednesday, September 22nd –
“Taking Care of Yourself”
We travel our journey of grief over a lifetime
and are trying to learn to live with the pain
of our loss. How do we take care of ourselves?
What tools do we use to soothe and comfort
ourselves on a daily basis and during acute
periods of grief?
Wednesday, October 20th – “Drop
In”
Are you having a tough time? Feeling isolated?
Need a chance to just check in with others
who have “been there”? Come by
for an open discussion about whatever is in
your heart and on your mind this month.
Wednesday, November 17th –
“Coping with the Holidays”
Thursday, December 2nd – “Tree
of Light” at Toronto City Hall
Bereaved Families
of Ontario– Toronto
PRIVACY STATEMENT
Bereaved Families of Ontario
–Toronto (BFO-Toronto) respects your
privacy. We protect your personal information
and adhere to all legal requirements with
respect to protecting your privacy. We do
not rent, sell or trade our mailing lists
or other personal information. We use your
personal information to assist us in providing
you with appropriate services, and to keep
you informed and up-to-date on the activities
of BFO-Toronto, including programs, services,
special events, funding needs, opportunities
to volunteer or to give, and more through
periodic contacts. If at any time you wish
to be removed from any of these contacts,
please contact us by telephone at 416-440-0290
or via e-mail at info@bfotoronto.ca
and we’ll gladly accommodate your request.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication
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