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“And then I step, in and over and through…I
would walk across the fire for you.”
This line is from a poem I wrote
recently and the “you” is me. What
comes out of these words is the profound awareness
that I would walk across fire for myself and that
I have a fire for life burning brightly inside
me.
So what does this have to do
with death and dying and grieving losses? Well,
for me, it has everything to do with this journey.
While it’s not a journey I would consciously
choose and, given the choice now, would still
request the precious lives of my sister and brother
returned to this earth, it is a journey that has
taught me so much about living…about loving
the fire within, be that rage or joy, tears or
laughter.
* * * * *
Laura and Greg both had a blood
disorder called Aplastic Anemia. Neither of them
was born with it and they were not sick at the
same time. My sister became sick when she was
five and died nine months later, at the age of
six, before my brother ever showed signs of the
illness. Several months after her death, he became
sick. He lived for two and a half more years and
died shortly before his fourteenth birthday. No
explanation was ever found as to where the disease
came from and why it struck both of them.
I was twelve when Laura died
and fifteen when Greg died. This left me the only
living child of my parents. There are many times
I have stood among friends and loved ones feeling
so completely alone and isolated, like my siblings
got the better end of the stick. They got to leave.
I had to stay behind to live through the muck
and mud and messiness of it all.
Without being aware of it, I
retreated to far away places inside myself for
a long time. On the outside I continued to lead
a relatively “normal” life, completing
highschool and university, starting a career,
getting married, having supportive friendships,
and more. But when I got sick myself, at the age
of twenty-six, I began to realize how deeply I
still hurt and how much was buried in my body.
It was around this time that
I became more conscious of the voice inside that
keeps calling me to live. And despite the challenges
that lay ahead, I invited this voice to propel
me forward…into the fire. I began to travel
back from those far away places inside myself
where I had retreated. I began to make lifestyle
choices – from what I ate to how I spent
my time to who I spent my time with – that
supported my (sometimes reluctant) choice to live.
Now, six years later, I’m
healthy and alive! I can look in the mirror and
see sparks of my own fire and my vibrancy for
life that grows with each passing day. I have
cried and ached and asked “why me?”
and felt tremendous loneliness and hurt beyond
where I imagined hurt could take me. And…I
experience grace; grace is the place I return
to again and again, when the tears of old and
new wounds surface. I have grieved, and I grieve,
and still grace finds me and takes my hand and
reminds me of the fire that burns brightly inside.
I couldn’t have spoken
of this fire when I was twelve or fifteen. I didn’t
know I had it. But it was there, quietly helping
me to survive, quietly supporting me through the
next minute…hour…day …week…year.
A low flame, keeping the wood burning just enough
that my fire didn’t go out, building a bed
of intense and enduring coals that would be fuel
for me when I was ready.
* * * * *
This is what death and dying
and grieving losses teaches me: that in walking
through their fire, I can know myself. While I
wish I could have chosen less painful ways to
come to know myself, for me it began through the
incredible emptiness that death can leave. Today,
I see that my fire never completely went out,
even when I felt in utter darkness.
The twentieth anniversary of
my sister’s death passed recently. That
day opened wounds I wanted to believe I had fully
tended. Honestly, though, I’m not sure I
will ever fully tend those wounds because loving
someone so deeply opens me up. And isn’t
that what living is about…bursting open
to the fullness of one’s flames, tending
the fire of life, and trusting that it will tend
to me when I need to retreat?
August 2004
Karen is an artist, bodyworker
& creative movement facilitator working in Toronto.
For more information, please visit www.kultivate.ca.
WHERE: BFO-Toronto 28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina), Toronto, ON M5R 2S1.
Mindfulness, which is over 2500 years old, has
been described as 'The Art of Living'. Increasingly,
it is becoming recognized as one of the most powerful
tools for improving the quality of one's life.
Professor Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at
the University of Wisconsin, who has been studying
what happens inside a person's brain as a result
of practices such as Mindfulness, has found that
the practice promotes flourishing (health, happiness,
creativity, joy) and resilience (the ability to
bounce back from difficult times). In a CBC documentary
titled, 'The Pursuit of Happiness', he concludes
that we should think of qualities like happiness
as skills - not unlike motor skills like bicycle
riding or skiing - skills which can be trained,
and that who we are today is not who we have to
be tomorrow. We can improve the quality of our
lives.
As part of the presentation,
we will view the CBC program 'The Pursuit of Happiness'.
This will be followed by a more in depth explanation
of what Mindfulness is - how and why it works
- and what is involved in the work. A 15 - 20
minute guided exercise in practicing Mindfulness
will be followed by an opportunity for questions.
There is no charge for this workshop
and we ask that you RSVP to Betty Ann
at 416-440-0290 ext. 11 or barutledge@bfotoronto.ca
by November 11th.
Lou Carcasole has been practicing
Mindfulness since 1987. He has given many talks
on Mindfulness and has conducted Mindfulness programs
for staff of several hospitals, corporations,
as well as on behalf of social and community service
organizations. He has an undergraduate degree
in science, and masters degrees in both business
and in (adult) Education. Lou is able to present
Mindfulness in interesting, clear, and down to
earth ways that anyone can understand and benefit
from.
There is relief from the sorrow
For I can look into my heart and
See the glory of your smile
I can hear the echoes of your laughter
The essence that was you still surrounds
me
I am grateful for the gift bestowed
You came to wake me from the sleep
Of lethargy and apathy that can easily
envelope
I am awake now, though the pain is searing
But better to be aware than forever sleeping
Or existing with no questions asked
You were my brief but astounding inspiration
For everything that is beautiful lived
in you
No moment is too dark that cannot be
Brightened by memories of you
No despair too great knowing that you
existed
You are part of the universe now and all
around
We are forever linked my beautiful child
We will be together again of that I’m
sure
by: Franca Fiandaca
In loving memory of 5-year old son Simon
Two years ago, my husband of
10 years died in an instant. Like many of you,
my two young children and I began our lengthy
grief and healing journey. Near the end of the
first year, a friend approached me with a writing
project. “I know you must be going through
hell,” Liz said with compassion, “but
I have an exciting project that you and I can
work on that may be worthwhile.” Liz was
also was mourning the recent loss of her maternal
grandmother.
In August 2003, we embarked upon
our collaborative creative journey which resulted
in the publishing of : Mourning has Broken
– A Collection of Creative Writing about
Grief and Healing in June 2004.
We shared a core belief that
creative writing can be an expressive therapeutic
medium for healing (from grief). Bereavement is
inevitable to the human experience; therefore
the creative healing process is potentially universal.
An original collection of 50
submissions, this anthology includes stories of
enlightenment, strength, hope, wisdom and insight
about coping and healing from the loss of a loved
one.
Several authors are “family”
members of BFO-Toronto. We appreciate their openness
and honesty in sharing their story for the purpose
of supporting others. These contributing authors
include Donna Rowe, Michael Chiu, Bruce Schwartzentruber
and (BFO-Toronto staff member) Vic Hill.
A wide range of authors from
Australia, Canada, Costa Rica, Holland, Israel
and the United States include mothers, fathers,
wives, husbands, siblings, children, friends and
caring citizens. We collected voices from a range
of non-fiction perspectives including spiritual,
theological, academic, psychologically comical,
historical, literary and biographical.
Our goal was to provide an honest,
safe place for authors and readers to share grief
and also demonstrate how they could move, after
some time, toward healing. Michael Chiu, a parent
of two young boys describes why he contributed
some of his personal journal writing to our anthology
and why he found the writing process healing:
“After my wife died,
I looked desperately for something on grief, death,
life and afterlife to read. My heart ached for
something to read in order to make me cry and
comfort me. I didn’t find a lot that moved
me, but there were some intensely moving and deeply
comforting short stories, journal entries and
poems that could provide me with the only solace
I had at that time. When I wrote (the intro) and
re-read my journey, there was a release of grief.
The writing has helped me to live with the loss
and to move on.”
Copies of Mourning has Broken
– A Collection of Creative Writing about
Grief and Healing, co-edited by Mara Koven and
Liz Pearl are available for $20 + ($3 for shipping/handling)
at koven@interlog.com,
10% of the price of each book sold from this newsletter
will be donated to BFO-Toronto. Books will also
be available for purchase at the Tree of Light
ceremony on December 2nd at Toronto City
Hall. We will also be at the Bathurst Jewish Community
Centre, 4588 Bathurst St., Posluns Centre, Jewish
Book Fair, November 7th, 2004 at 3:30 p.m. Three
people will be reading their work including Noah,
my son who is now 8 years old.
“SAVE THE DATE”-
Remember Big Night Out is back on Wednesday, November
17th at the Carlu. Bereaved Families more than
ever, really needs your support. It is a fun,
entertaining evening with jazz music, hor d’oeurves
and great people all for a great cause. Remember;
pay for your tickets by October 31st, and your
name will be entered into an early bird draw for
a spectacular prize. Tickets are $49.00. Call
(416) 440-0290.
Third Party Event – Achilles Track St. Patrick’s
Day 5 Km walk/run:
We continually seek new fund-raising initiatives,
and this year we will be participating in the
5th Annual Achilles St. Patrick’s Day 5K
Walk held on St. Patrick’s Day.
How the Run/Walk works: Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto
puts together a team of 10 walker/runners. Our
team members collect pledges on behalf of Bereaved
Families of Ontario-Toronto. Every dollar pledged
comes back to our organization. Achilles collects
an entry fee of $30.00 per person, based on a
minimum team of 10 ($300.00). Each participant
is rewarded with an official race T-shirt, hot
Irish brunch, and in honour of St. Patrick’s
Day, a pint of beer. A corporate sponsor will
pay for our entry fee. Our name will be profiled
on the entry forms. Over 25,000 entry forms are
distributed to community agencies and businesses
throughout the GTA. If you would like to participate,
please contact Karen at: 416-440-0290.
United Way:
United Way has a Donor Choice option that allows
donors to designate their contributions directly
to one or more registered charities. If your company
offers a United Way employee deduction program,
would you consider Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto
as your choice of charities? We are thanking you
in advance for considering Bereaved Families of
Ontario-Toronto as your choice of charities.
I would like to thank Bereaved
Families of Ontario – Toronto for giving
me the opportunity to tell you about research
that I am conducting, and to ask for your help.
This research project is part of my doctoral dissertation
in clinical psychology, which I am conducting
under the supervision of Dr. Stephen Fleming at
York University. Specifically, this research focuses
on the relationships between specific ways a parent
thinks about the loss of their child, the emotions
they experience, and different ways of coping
following their loss. It is my hope that this
research will not only add to our understanding
of parental bereavement, but that it will also
serve to aid both bereaved parents and the caregivers
who work with them. I am currently looking for
bereaved parents to volunteer to participate in
this research. The only requirement to participate
in this study is that the loss of your child occurred
at least six months before participating.
If you agree to participate in
this study you will be asked to complete a series
of questionnaires, which will be mailed to you.
Some of these questionnaires focus on specific
thoughts and feelings that you may have had since
the loss of your child. Other questionnaires will
ask more general questions about how you typically
think and feel in different situations. If you
choose to participate in this study, all of your
responses will remain completely anonymous and
confidential. No personal information or responses
given by any individual participant will be used
in the final written report of this research.
Additionally, if you choose to participate, a
summary of the final results will be sent to you
when the study is complete.
If you would like to participate in this research,
or would like additional information, please contact
me by e-mail at lbooth@yorku.ca
or by phone at (416) 322-1091.
Thank you for taking the time
to consider participating in this research.
Sincerely,
Laura Booth, MA PhD Candidate
Department of Psychology
York University
It is not very often that I have the opportunity
to give thanks to a young person who has shown
generosity, kindness and compassion. It is for
this reason; that I would like to share with you
a story of this special person. Nine year old
Jennifer Thompson who participated in a BFO-Toronto
children’s bereavement support group following
the death of her baby sister Stephanie in November
wrote:
From the staff, volunteers and families we serve
here at Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto,
we extend our sincere appreciation and gratitude
to you, Jennifer.
Sincerely,
Karen Beaulieu
Fund Developer
Photo title: Jennifer Thompson
Bake sale for BFO-Toronto September 6th 2004
Just when we think we have found
a way to cope with everyday life after loss, the
holiday season comes along and demands an additional
challenge for us as we navigate this new terrain
of adjusting to life without the
physical presence of our loved ones. The celebration
of Eid ul-Fitr at the end of Ramadan, Christmas,
the Jewish high holydays of Rosh Hashanah and
Yom Kippur – these family, religious and
cultural observations take on a new meaning for
those of us who have experienced a death in the
family.
These opportunities for inner
reflection and quiet prayerfulness, joyous celebrations
and gatherings that once called us into closer
connection to our families, friends and creator
– filling our hearts with peace, renewal
and a sense of belonging – may now provoke
anxiety, loneliness, sadness, stress and a renewed
sense of our painful feelings of grief.
We are flooded with the memories
of past holidays when our loved ones were here
and we wonder what the present holidays would
be like if they were still with us.
There is no step by step plan
for “getting through” these difficult
times, though many helpful articles have been
written on the subject. Some of the key values
of healing from bereavement can be found in the
principles of Kwanzaa: family, community, faith
and mutual support.
Kwanzaa is a unique African American
celebration with focus on the traditional African
values of family, community responsibility, commerce,
and self-improvement. Kwanzaa is a spiritual,
festive and joyous celebration of the oneness
and goodness of life, which claims no ties with
any religion and is not, despite some misconceptions,
a substitute for Christmas, though it is observed
from December 26th to January 1st.
Kwanzaa, which means “first
fruits of the harvest” in the African language
Kiswahili, was founded in 1966 by Dr. Maulana
Karenga and seeks to enforce a connectedness to
African cultural identity, provide a focal point
for the gathering of African peoples, and to reflect
upon the Nguzo Saba (seven guiding principles).
Kwanzaa is a way of life, not just a celebration.
As a living social practice, it is a week of actual
remembering, reassessing, recommitting, rewarding
and rejoicing, with particular emphasis on the
unity of Black families and communities.
One of the seven principles,
Umoja (OO-MO-JAH) Unity, stresses the importance
of togetherness for the
family and the community, which is reflected in
the African saying, “I am We,” or
“I am because We are.” Another, Ujima
(OO-GEE-MAH) Collective Work and Responsibility
is a reminder of the obligation to the past, present
and future, and that all have a role to play in
the community, society, and world.
As bereaved people, we know the
importance of remembering and our need to gather
strength from our families, friends, faith and
community. Another principle of Kwanzaa, Imani
(EE-MAH-NEE) Faith, calls on people from Black
Communities all over the world, of all religious
faiths and backgrounds, to “focus on honoring
the best of our traditions, draw upon the best
in ourselves, and strive for a higher level of
life for humankind, by affirming our
self-worth and confidence in our ability to succeed
and triumph in righteous struggle.”
This call to “honor our
past, critically evaluate our present and commit
ourselves to a fuller, more productive future”
reminds me of the three essential questions in
grief that we all are challenged to answer: Who
am I? Who Have I Been? and Who Am I Becoming?
During this difficult time of
year, as we remember with sadness - and hopefully
some moments of joy - those loved ones who are
no longer with us, we can strive to live our lives
with these and other guiding principles: Compassion
for ourselves and others, integrity and balance,
embracing all that our grief has challenged us
to be. The commitment to carry with us the memories
and gifts of our loved ones who have gone before
us, and perhaps, most importantly, love.
For more information about “Coping
with the Holidays”, visit our website at
www.bfotoronto.ca.
We also invite you to share your own thoughts
by posting something on the interactive message
board. We hope that you will join us for our annual
“Tree of Light” memorial event at
Toronto City Hall on Thursday, December 2, 2004
(see enclosed flyer) which is an important part
of coping with the holiday season for hundreds
of our community members. Light is a symbol of
hope and healing in many faiths, traditions and
cultures.
Whether you observe Chanukah,
Yule, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice or Christmas, you
may find comfort in participating in this community
event of remembrance.
Wishing that the light of healing
and peace finds its way to you and your family.
The
storytelling event advertised in the September/October
issue of Journeys, has been cancelled. Wendy Bray,
who was a full-time volunteer at BFO-Toronto for
six months and creator/organizer of this event,
now has full-time paid employment, which unfortunately
leaves no time for volunteer
activities. We wish Wendy well in her new career
and are very grateful for all the assistance she
provided to BFO-Toronto. We received the following
stories from two brothers, Dylan and Bryan, whose
Mom died four years ago. They touched our hearts
and we wanted to share these special stories with
you.
Child’s view of grief
I remember....
I remember when my mom taught me how to skate
a little. She was wearing a black coat. She smiled
when I did something wrong and funny like when
I fell down. She also taught me how to hold a
hockey stick. Now when I play hockey, my dad helps
me wear the equipment. Sometimes I wear them myself.
I remember we went to an air show. My mom and
I were sitting on the grass watching some airplanes
that flew very fast. It was so loud that it made
me cry.
I remember I wetted my bed one night while I
was sleeping. My dad came and he used a hair dryer
to dry my bed. Mom was not well and when she saw
what happened she was kind of mad.
I remember I went to visit mom in the hospital
when I was three and a half years old. I was looking
all around the hospital bed because I had never
been in a hospital and I had never seen a hospital
bed before. I remember mom was smiling and was
talking to me, but I didn't remember what she
said.
I remember my mom taught me how to ski when I
was only 3 years old. I was standing on my mom's
skis. She was holding my shoulders and skied down
a little slope. I remember it was fun!
There was only me and my mom. Mom then got sick
and she died because she had cancer. Since then
my dad has taught me how to ski. Now I have learned
to ski pretty good.
I remember my mom taught me how to swim. She
was holding on my tummy and my back and I kicked
the water and I went straight and my mom went
with me. I was a little bit scared and a little
bit happy. Now, my mom is not with us, so my dad
teaches me how to swim.
I remember her everytime I see her pictures.
Bryan Chiu
7 years old
(MY mom died when I was 3 and a half years old)
Memories of the Past
I remember the time when my Mom was here. I
will tell you memories I remember.
I remember my mom taught me how to tie my shoelaces,
but I couldn't do it.
Then one day in kindergarten I tried again during
recess and I tied my shoelaces, all by myself.
I remember when I was 4 1/2 years old, it was
the house league soccer cup day. That day was
sunny and hot. Mom was our coach and our team
won so each of us got a trophy. My trophy was
bronze and had someone kicking a ball. I didn't
like my trophy because I didn't like the bronze
colour. I asked Mom if she could switch my trophy
for a red trophy on the trophy bench. Then my
mom told me the red trophy was for girls, and
what I had was for boys.
Today when I see the trophy, it reminds me of
the cup day with my mom.
I remember Mom once took me to a restaurant
for snacks after school. The
snack was some round and hot meatballs. I wanted
another snack, I didn't exactly know what it was
but it was red,
I remember Mom said I had enough snack already.
I remember that I and my brother were standing
on the driveway. Mom was paying a man in a van
to drive us to school. I remember he had 2 sons
and his van was stinky! Mom was wearing a dark
blue scarf around her head. I thought mom was
busy with something else, but later I found out
it was
because she needed a lot of rest. She had cancer
and was getting sick.
Mom's car was a white Honda. I remember when
we came home from school, my mom used to drive
over manholes, because she knew that we liked
a bumpy ride.
Today I still go to that road but the road is
not bumpy anymore because the road has been fixed.
Now the bumpy road is gone and my Mom had died,
but when my Dad drives us on that road I remember
the bumpy rides with my Mom.
My mom died almost 4 years ago. After my mom
died, I always cried when I thought of her. Now
when I think of my mom, I only cry sometimes and
most of the time I feel happy thinking of the
times I spent with her, such as the soccer cup
day, the after school snacks and the bumpy rides.
A couple of months ago I thought
the summer was passing too quickly, but we have
been blessed with an exceptional Fall which has
created the illusion that summer has not yet left
us. I am grateful for these warm, sunny days, which
I know will soon be replaced by the cold briskness
of winter. At this point in my life I am grateful
for many things……at BFO-Toronto I am
grateful that I have staff and volunteers who work
so hard towards our common cause – supporting
the bereaved who come from an array of ages, races,
ethnicities and cultures.
Our outreach and mutual capacity
building activities are developing at a fast rate.
The Black Outreach Worker, Janina Joseph-Walker,
is working very closely with the bereaved mothers
of an organization called United Mothers Opposing
Violence Everywhere (UMOVE). This volunteer-driven
organization comprises mothers who have lost a child
through an act of violence and members who support
their cause.
A collaborative project is underway
between UMOVE, BFO-Toronto and the AIDS Bereavement
Project of Ontario (ABPO). ABPO works with organizations
to build individual and community resiliency in
the face of multiple AIDS-related losses. This project,
which has been named UMOVE – Visions of Hope
Community Support, aims to share BFO-Toronto’s
program model and support grief and bereavement
skills transfer with the mothers of UMOVE. Strengthening
and enhancing core support to this community-based
organization will build their capacity to support
the healing of the bereaved Caribbean and People
of Colour communities, who are presently experiencing
multiple violent deaths.
We are receiving requests for BFO-Toronto’s
new educational video on adolescent grief, called
Behind Closed Doors – Youth Talk About Grief.
Individuals, schools and community groups are asking
for copies to show to their respective communities.
In order to support bereaved youth,
we continue to provide tools, information and resources
to school personnel. Agnes Struik, one of BFO-Toronto’s
clinical consultants and Vic Hill, our Youth Outreach
Worker, have conducted four, one-day workshops with
over eighty school social workers. The feedback
has been excellent. There are now plans to provide
school personnel with a more in depth, two days
of training, which will enable participants to facilitate
their own in-school, bereavement support programs.
BFO-Toronto will offer on-going monthly support
and mentoring sessions, and act as a resource.
Plans for our annual fundraiser/auction,
Big Night Out are going well and our goal is to
make this the best Big Night Out ever. BFO-Toronto
members can help us achieve this goal by: donating
new items for the silent auction; volunteering to
help the night of and selling tickets. The continuation
of our programs depends so much on the revenue generated
from this event and any help would be greatly appreciated.
Our Winter series of Mutual Support Groups
will begin the third week in January. If you
or someone you know is interested in participating,
please call the office at 416-440-0290 or
check the website www.bfotoronto.ca for dates.
Monthly Bereavement
Support Nights
7:00pm to 9:00pm third Wednesday of each month
Open to any adult, whether or not you have
been through a BFO-Toronto group. An informal
panel of volunteers who have experienced the
death of an expected baby, a child, a sibling
or a parent will speak about their experiences.
You will have a chance to ask questions or
share, as you are able. Space is limited,
so we ask that you RSVP by calling the office.
Wednesday, November
17th 7:00pm to 9:00pm– “Coping
with the Holidays”
Thursday, December
2nd – in lieu of Support Night, please
join us for the annual “Tree of Light”
Event at Toronto City Hall at 7:00pm
Wednesday, January
19, 2005
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Bereaved Families
of Ontario– Toronto
PRIVACY STATEMENT
Bereaved Families of Ontario
–Toronto (BFO-Toronto) respects your
privacy. We protect your personal information
and adhere to all legal requirements with
respect to protecting your privacy. We do
not rent, sell or trade our mailing lists
or other personal information. We use your
personal information to assist us in providing
you with appropriate services, and to keep
you informed and up-to-date on the activities
of BFO-Toronto, including programs, services,
special events, funding needs, opportunities
to volunteer or to give, and more through
periodic contacts. If at any time you wish
to be removed from any of these contacts,
please contact us by telephone at 416-440-0290
or via e-mail at info@bfotoronto.ca
and we’ll gladly accommodate your request.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication
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