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The holiday season – with its inevitable reminders of the empty spaces in our families – is a good time to go “back to the basics” of what we know about grief.
Coping with the holidays begins for many immediately after Labour Day and continues through to January. For all of us, regardless of the spiritual or cultural traditions we observe, we are all bombarded with the daily messages of joy, celebration, food, festivity and the gathering together of family and friends. Is it just me, or do you find that those card store displays of ornaments and gifts goes up earlier every year? For the bereaved, these messages and images, previously enjoyed and anticipated, may now provoke anxiety, loneliness, sadness, stress and a profound sense of renewed pain over the loss of our loved ones.
We must learn how to experience and navigate these holidays and special occasions with the “new normal” of learning to living with our grief.
What we know about grief is that everyone grieves uniquely . We also know that there are some common manifestations of grief that are often shared no matter what kind of loss is experienced. It may be helpful to spend some time reflecting on the following questions:
How and what did I first learn about coping with loss?
What is my primary style of coping now?
What impacts my grief?
What helps me when I am in a “hit of grief”?
It's also important to remember that grief affects us at all levels of our beings : Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social, and Sexual.
Is that headache an indication that you are struggling with something “just below the surface” that needs space and time to be explored?
When you come home and put your keys in the fridge and milk in the cupboard, is that mental confusion a sign that you are distracted by an aspect of your grief that longs for expression?
What can you do to comfort yourself when those deep, painful waves of sorrow feel like they are literally “breaking your heart”?
How are your relationships with family, friends and co-workers being impacted by your grief?
Your fatigue, frustration, sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, disorganization & despair are all a normal part of grieving . Remember:
Grief is a process, a journey
Give yourself permission to ask for what you need
Seek support, avoid prolonged periods of isolation
Balance in everything is good – so also make sure you have time alone for quiet reflection
Your feelings are a natural expression of your love and attachment to your family member who has died – try not to judge any feeling as right or wrong
Listen to yourself – pay attention to the signals from your body, mind, heart and spirit
Be gentle with yourself – avoid harsh criticism or high expectations. Patience, compassion and loving-kindness with yourself are more important than ever.
Some say that a grief shared is lessened. Connecting with others who are bereaved may be helpful at this time. Consider attending a monthly bereavement support night, posting a message on the website, or attending the Tree of Light memorial event. For more information about coping with the holidays, visit the message board on our website www.bfotoronto.ca .
My wish for all of us is that we have the time and support that allows us to embrace the memories of our loved ones. Memories that can be both painful and joyful. I share with you these two short passages that have been tremendously helpful in my own healing process.
Hold on to what is good
Even if it is a handful of earth
Hold on to what you believe in
Even if it is a tree which stands by itself
Hold on to what you must do
Even if it is a long way from here
Hold on to life
Even if it is easier to let go
Hold on to my hand
Even when I have gone away
— Pueblo Indian prayer
Look to this day,
For it is life,
The very life of life. In its brief course lie all The realities and verities of existence, The bliss of growth, The splendor of action, The glory of power – For yesterday is but a dream, And tomorrow is only a vision. But today, well lived, Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness And every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day.
— Sanskrit Proverb
“But if grief is resolved, why do we still feel a sense of loss come anniversaries and holidays, and even when we least expect it? Why do we feel a lump in the throat, even six years after the loss? It is because healing does not mean forgetting, and because moving on with life does not mean that we don't take a part of our lost loved one with us.”
-Adolfo Quezada "By Choosing to Confront Grief, We Can Overcome Our Loss," Daily Star, Tucson , Arizona .
BFO Welcomes New Youth Outreach Worker, Duane Spencer
My name is Duane Spencer and I've been hired to do youth outreach and programming for BFO. I have studied community work through school, and have been working as a youth worker for the past 7 year with the Building Bridges Program and the City of Toronto .
I look forward to coming on board with this great team and using my experience and knowledge to support the youth BFO aims to reach. I'm an effective organizer and a good problem solver. So I look forward to this coming year and meeting you all.
Last winter, I made my way
through the chilly night air to my first BFO “Tree
of Light” ceremony at Toronto City Hall. I felt a
little nervous because I was going on my own, but I
knew it was something I wanted to do – a way to
start traditions of honoring my dad.
While I was waiting for the
evening’s events to begin, I decided to look at some
books that were on display. As I stood there, I
overheard the woman beside me sharing her situation
with one of the volunteers behind the display table.
I’m not sure what sparked the conversation, but it
caught my ear. The woman was speaking about a child,
her own child or grandchild perhaps, who had lost
her father. She was explaining how she couldn’t get
past the word “daddy” without breaking down in tears
and instead used the parent’s name when mentioning
him in front of the child. When I heard this, part
of me wanted to approach her and offer
encouragement: “I couldn’t help but overhearing you.
I just wanted to say that I know it’s hard to use
the word “Dad” but try to do it if you can, and talk
about him, even if it is difficult. Your memories
will keep his memory alive.”
Her situation moved me because it
reminded me of my own. Many years ago my father died
suddenly in an airplane accident just before I was
born. My parents had just begun their lives together
on an air force base in Alberta where my dad was
starting a career as a pilot. Early one February
morning, my mom’s life and mine changed forever. On
a high-speed, low-altitude test flight, my dad and
his co-pilot perished when their plane wingtip
caught the icy surface of a frozen lake, sending the
plane cart-wheeling. Death was instant. My dad’s
best friend and a priest soon arrived at my parents’
house to tell my mom what had happened, the news too
shocking to absorb. Because she was expecting
shortly, her doctor determined that she should be
with her family as soon as possible, and so on the
same day as the accident, she was flown back to her
parents’ home in Ontario.
Ten days later, still shocked and
overwhelmed, she welcomed me into the world - the
circumstances of my birth and our future as a family
very different from anything she had imagined. She
was 23 years old.
As I got older, we had limited
contact with my dad’s family and my dad was rarely
mentioned in front of me, perhaps because my family
was afraid that it would upset me or perhaps because
they were moving on. His history was falling away.
While I was still very young, a
new chapter of our lives had also begun. My mom met
someone new, remarried and they soon had two more
children. My new dad legally adopted me and to
outward appearances, our family might have seemed
like any other. At the same time, I knew there was
something different about me. I noticed that people
rarely pointed out similarities between me and my
mom or my dad. My red hair and freckles stood out
from the rest of my family, as did my quiet nature.
Years and milestones passed –
high school and college graduations, my first job,
my first relationship, and still my dad remained a
mystery. Although I knew generally what had happened
to him, and vaguely recalled seeing a couple of
photos, I didn’t know where he came from or what his
personality was like. It was difficult to make sense
of what he meant to me. Yet as I grew older, I felt
a strong pull when I thought of him. When I spoke
about his death, I felt a lump welling up in my
throat and tears in my eyes and I found myself
apologizing for getting emotional. It seemed silly:
how could I get upset over someone I never knew?
It was finally in my late 20s
that I began to learn about my dad for the first
time, encouraged by a therapist who was moved by the
emotion that came up for me when I spoke about my
dad. He was the first person to encourage me to talk
to my mom and any of my dad’s friends and relatives
about their memories of my dad.
At first I was hesitant. I was
afraid of stirring up memories that might upset my
family but instinctively I felt it was important for
me to do. Once I started asking questions, a picture
of my dad quickly began to emerge. While my mom had
said little about him in the past, she began to tell
me what an open, loving, and down to earth person he
was. She told me that he liked listening to music,
going camping, spending time with his friends, and
that he loved to fly. Throughout his life, my dad
seemed to draw a close circle of warm, genuine
people. My mom had many insights, but she also
suggested that I contact my dad’s family to fill in
some of the missing information.
My uncle was very willing to talk
about my dad. The first thing he said was what a
great guy my dad was. He told me how easy-going and
kind Danny was, and how much fun they’d had growing
up together. Just a year apart, as kids they’d
played hockey and built forts and swam. He said my
dad was fearless when it came to climbing and
exploring, and he loved to figure out how things
worked, often helping his dad at the welding shop.
As a teenager, my uncle remembered, my dad studied
hard and looked forward to enrolling in the air
force.
The last time he saw my dad was a
brief visit when Dan stopped by to see him in
university. My uncle regretted how brief that last
visit had been, but he said, “I thought we’d have
the rest of our lives to catch up.” One thing my
uncle made clear to me was how much my dad would
have loved me. He would have been a natural father,
my uncle said, and there would have been a special
place in his heart for me.
Much of what I had learned about
my dad was familiar to me: his low-key nature, the
accessible way he had about him, his love of the
simple things in life. One day I made a comment on
the phone to an old friend of my dad’s and she
responded, “That’s just what Danny would have said”.
It was the first time someone had made a concrete
connection between me and him. And when I went
through pictures with my mom, I was struck by the
strong resemblance in our eyes, smile, compact
frame, and even our expressions. The photos and
conversations were quickly coming together: while
for a long time I had wondered where I came from,
now I could see that I did come from somewhere. I
was just like my dad.
I began to understand the emotion
that had always come up when I spoke about him – a
connection I must have intuitively missed. For so
many years he had been a blank slate. Now here he
was suddenly real: a friend, a confidant, someone
who I could look up to and identify with. With a
clear picture of him I longed to know my dad, and
the thought of never having the chance made me feel
so helpless. Every time I thought of him, the loss
took me by surprise all over again and filled me
with grief. How could it be possible not to have
even met my dad, to have completely missed out on
someone so special? I longed for just ten minutes
with him - to hear his voice and see how he smiled
and laughed and moved, to experience the joy of
simply being with him.
There were so many things I
wanted to tell him, and experiences I would have
wanted to share with him. I constantly imagined that
he would suddenly walk through the door and say,
“Hey, honey,” as if he’d been there all along. I’d
finally get to know him for the first time, and it
would be so natural that it would be like we’d known
each other forever. One afternoon, sitting on a park
bench, I felt his presence beside me so strongly
that for a moment I believed if I looked up I’d
actually see him sitting there. The fact that he was
so close and yet so far filled me with love and
heartache.
Two years later, I still think of
my dad often. The elusive nature of his death and
who he was continue to be difficult to come to terms
with. Yet I am glad that I have gone on this
journey. Learning about my dad has allowed me to
finally acknowledge my loss, and ultimately, who I
am. I’ve grown closer to my mom and to my uncle
through our conversations about my dad, and I have
met some wonderful people on this journey, many of
them members of my dad’s extended family.
I have also gained compassion for
myself. Because I never knew my dad, I came to
believe that my loss was less significant and it
shouldn’t affect me. Now I realize that what’s most
important is the value of the person you have lost,
regardless of how much time you’ve spent with them
or how long it has been since they’ve passed away.
My dad was invaluable to me, and I can allow myself
to have the emotions that come with thinking of him.
I can be patient with myself if I’m having a hard
day and give myself credit for the courage it has
taken to go on this journey. In my dad I have
discovered a kindred spirit and a special man and I
am very proud to be his daughter. My connection to
him helps me celebrate myself.
And this brings me back to the
beginning of my story, and the woman who mentioned
the surge of grief she felt when she mentioned a
lost father to his young child. I could hear the
pain and fear in her voice, perhaps wondering how
she would get through the grief and worrying about
the unknown future of the child who was left behind.
As I think of that part of myself and my life that
was a mystery for so long and the fear and
self-doubt that fostered - I hope that this woman
will be as open as she can. From my experience,
learning about the father that they can only get to
know through you, will bring great strength.
You've probably been seeing
them everywhere... the yellow
Livestrong wristbands, the pink
ones in support of finding a
cure for breast cancer, and
many more. Now BFO-Toronto
is pleased to offer these lovely
wristbands in memory of your
loved one who died. The
wristbands are white with the
words "In memory" engraved
on them. They can be purchased
at our office for a small donation.
If you would like to order
a number of wristbands and
have them mailed right to
your door please contact our
Communications and Special
Events Coordinator at
416.440.0290 x.17 or via email
at klopes@bfotoronto.ca to
place an order.
Classes take place at BFO-Toronto offices 28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina), Toronto, ON M5R 2S1.
Mindfulness, which is over 2500 years old, has been described as 'The Art of Living'. Increasingly, it is becoming recognized as one of the most powerful tools for improving the quality of one's life. Professor Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin, who has been studying what happens inside a person's brain as a result of practices such as Mindfulness, has found that the practice promotes flourishing (health,
happiness, creativity, joy) and resilience (the ability to bounce back from difficult times). In a CBC documentary titled, 'The Pursuit of Happiness', he concludes that we should think of qualities like happiness as skills - not unlike motor skills like bicycle riding or skiing - skills which can be trained, and that who we are today is not who we have to be tomorrow . Anyone can improve the quality of our lives through this simple practice.
As part of the presentation, we will view the CBC program 'The Pursuit of Happiness'. This will be followed by a more in depth explanation of what Mindfulness is - how and why it works - and what is involved in the work. A 15 - 20 minute guided exercise in practicing Mindfulness will be followed by an opportunity for questions.
COST:
There is no charge for this workshop. Space is limited. RSVP to Betty Ann at 416-440-0290 ext. 11 or barutledge@bfotoronto.ca .
PRESENTER: Lou Carcasole has been practicing Mindfulness since 1987. He has given many talks on Mindfulness and has conducted Mindfulness programs for staff of several hospitals, corporations, as well as on behalf of social and community service organizations. He has an undergraduate degree in science, and masters degrees in both business and in (adult) Education. Lou is able to present Mindfulness in interesting, clear, and down to earth ways that anyone can understand and benefit from. (For more information about Lou or Mindfulness visit www.radicalgrowth.com)
8-SESSION COURSE ON MINDFULNESS
Saturday mornings 8:15am – 10:15am Begins January 14, 2006
For those interested in deepening their understanding and practice of mindfulness, Lou has generously offered to teach an 8-week course to a small group of interested participants. This course is being offered free of charge to BFO-Toronto members. Cost of this course offered elsewhere in Toronto is upwards of $500 per person, so we ask that you consider carefully your commitment to participating in the full program before registering.
I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again,
but who des not fear my darkness..
Or my walk through the night.
Someone who can point out the rocks in my way
without making me a child by carrying me.
Someone who can stand in thunder
and watch the lightening
and believe in a rainbow.
author unknown
f you are interested in finding out more about volunteer opportunities at BFO-Toronto, visit the website at www.bfotoronto.ca or call Betty Ann at 416-440-0290. Core Skills Training begins in February 2006
Death hurts... It was hard to say Good-bye before I had a chance to say Hello …
The Pregnancy itself, was one long, good memory! But losing my baby was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
The Grief process is never the same for any two people. So no one can tell you what you should be feeling or how you should recover.
The days and nights are filled with sadness and loneliness.
When we are grieving around the loss of a baby, we often feel that there's no way out of the darkness. Part of our life is already gone.
We were growing a baby that represented our hopes and dreams and suddenly that part of our body is gone. This loss affects not only our hearts and minds, but our bodies too.
We feel deep emptiness in our lives. We go home with empty hands or we go straight to the funeral….
Everything changes as joy becomes sorrow. We experience the loss of the baby, the loss of the dream, the loss of the hope…
When Birth and Death go hand in hand, the loss is tragic.
Everywhere we look, we are reminded of our loss. Going to a mall, seeing another newborn, seeing another pregnant woman, recall our wonderful past.
After everything, "Why me?... I had done everything right and was this the outcome…
I will never understand why you were taken away from me? I am grateful to BFO-Toronto to have a place to talk with other bereaved parents. Somehow, together, I know that we will find a way to learn to live with our loss.
Submitted by a bereaved mother whose three-day old son died earlier this year
A drop-in group for any adult who has experienced a loss. Some months there are suggested topics for discussion, other months it is an open discussion format. BFO-Toronto volunteers, who have all experienced the death of an expected baby, child, sibling, parent or spouse/partner will be on hand to facilitate the discussion, share their experiences and answer any questions you might have. You are invited to share as you are able or simply be present with other bereaved people who are learning to live with their grief.
These nights will be held at our offices, 28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina), Space is limited, so we ask that you RSVP by calling 416-440-0290.
Our bereavement support programs are now well underway and I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce the office personnel who are making sure the bereaved individuals who call or come to BFO-Toronto are receiving the care and attention they need. This year we have four student placements: Meagan from Seneca College , Hannah from Ryerson, Maria from George Brown and Sarah from the Adler Institute. Three of them were able to attended our volunteer training last Spring, in preparation for ‘jumping right into things' for the Fall. They are co-facilitating children, adolescent and/or young adult groups, in addition to answering phones and helping out with program preparation. We also have three wonderful volunteers – Jane who has been doing an admirable job with banking duties for several years now; Lindsey who was with us over the summer and continues to come in for a couple of days each week; and a new volunteer, Paulette, who comes in on Thursdays. What a godsend they are.
Janina Joseph-Walker is returning from her maternity leave and she and Duane Spencer will be working closely to support the bereaved Black Community and in particular, Black, racialized youth. Katrina, our communications specialist, is working on public awareness materials for the youth program. By November we will not only have posters and flyers ready to go out to all the schools and community centers in Toronto, we will also have a website for youth, which will include a memorial page for youth, information about our programs and a bulletin board where youth can post their stories, their writings and photographs. This youth program now has name – Soul II Soul.
In our endeavour to develop closer community relationships, we are making connections with the Hospital for Sick Children, to better support bereaved parents who are living with the nightmare of the death of their child. We will be sending out information packages for these newly bereaved families. In addition, the Bulletin Board on BFO-Toronto's website will have a special section for the families to connect, not only with BFO-Toronto, but also with each other. We hope this will provide some transitional support to grieving families, and provide them with a gentle reminder that we are here to support them until they are ready to reach out to us.
Many community-based organization are asking us to do presentations, workshops and community support groups. In order to get the message out to the many bereaved families in Toronto and to respond easily to the requests for speaking engagements we are hoping to develop a Speaker's Bureau. If you are a volunteer who loves to do public speaking and would like to speak on behalf of BFO-Toronto, please contact Betty Ann at 416-440-0290 ext.11. We will be holding a speaker's bureau training session in the near future.
Last, but not least, we have hired a Fund Developer - Gloria Baldwin, who comes with over 25 years of fundraising experience. She will be responsible for corporate and annual gifts. We are delighted to have someone who has the depth of fundraising knowledge and experience that Gloria brings.
Bereaved Families
of Ontario– Toronto
PRIVACY STATEMENT
Bereaved Families of Ontario
–Toronto (BFO-Toronto) respects your
privacy. We protect your personal information
and adhere to all legal requirements with
respect to protecting your privacy. We do
not rent, sell or trade our mailing lists
or other personal information. We use your
personal information to assist us in providing
you with appropriate services, and to keep
you informed and up-to-date on the activities
of BFO-Toronto, including programs, services,
special events, funding needs, opportunities
to volunteer or to give, and more through
periodic contacts. If at any time you wish
to be removed from any of these contacts,
please contact us by telephone at 416-440-0290
or via e-mail at info@bfotoronto.ca
and we’ll gladly accommodate your request.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supportes and is available
by mail and on our webstie. We welcome submissions,
please forward to info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication. The opinions and ideas expressed
by our members and other authors in this newsletter,
represent their own unique experiences of
grief and do not necessarily reflect the views
of BFO-Toronto.
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