- Accept the reality of the loss
- Experience/process the pain of grief
- Adjust to the world without the deceased
- Find a way to remember while moving forward
As we have stated, grief is a necessary and normal response to loss.
There are many ways that people meet with grief and many models and frameworks have been developed to help people work through their grief.
There’s been an evolution in grief theory since Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about the stages of dying – which then got adapted to the stages of grieving.
It’s no longer about the Stages of Grief (which may set people up to think they have failed if they don’t go through a neat and tidy list and check off each item), but rather a Process of Grieving.
BFO-Toronto has historically relied on the Task Model of Grieving, based on the work of William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Mourning.
This model was developed for grieving a death but works for other losses too.
After a death, survivors are left to face the pain of grief, and a new world without their loved one.
Mourning is the process of adapting to loss through the completion of four tasks.
Keep in mind that adapting doesn’t mean forgetting—it means finding a way to cherish the memories of a loved one, while continuing to move forward in life. It means adjusting to a world without the deceased while holding a place for them in your heart.
There are many models or ways of describing this process and the one we are sharing here today is the TEAR model.
TEAR model
T- To accept the reality of the loss: After a death, it’s common that the reality of the situation is minimized or denied. The task is to work toward fully accepting the loss, both intellectually and emotionally.
E: Experience / Process the pain of grief: Grief involves painful emotions such as sadness, anger, and guilt. It can be tempting to avoid these feelings, burying them rather than facing them. However, working through grief means confronting, naming, and making sense of these emotions
A -Adjust to a world without the deceased. Including recognizing and accepting ambiguities: The death of a loved one will usually bring about a number of life changes. These can range from minor changes in daily routines, to the adoption of an entirely new worldview. The third task is about navigating these changes and adjusting to the world without the loved one. Internal adjustments are changes to one’s identity. Survivors may have to answer the question, “Who am I now?” They may also experience changes to self-esteem. External adjustments include taking on new roles and developing new skills. Survivors may have to take on the tasks that were handled by their loved one, such as cooking and childcare. Spiritual adjustments are changes to beliefs, values, and assumptions about the world.
R- Reinvest – Find a way to remember the deceased while moving forward in life: Find an Enduring Connection With the Deceased While Embarking on a New Life: While nothing can compel you to completely forget about your relationship with the deceased, the goal is to find an appropriate place in your emotional life moving forward and to begin living again. This might require letting go of attachments so that new, meaningful relationships can begin to form.
See the end of the slide deck for an overview of the evolution from stages to tasks, processes, dual action, continuing bonds and meaning-making theory.